deep reflections

I looked at my friends’ blog and I wonder to myself, “why I am just not like them? why am I like so academically weak compared to them?” The reasons are pretty obvious, yes I know, but why can’t I just sit there and study? I want to study so freaking hard that I will be like my friends. I want to look back at my days at NP with happiness and not regret that I just didn’t do well enough. I want to be in the same class. I want to take diploma plus. I want to ace my german. I want to be so active in school. I want more leadership roles, as much as I winced at the sound of it. I want to be the perfect student. I reflect and realise that I want so much. Yet, it is just so fustrating. I hate myself for ruining my past. The past where I have been trying so long to keep behind those centuries old skeletons in the closet. I honestly am so furious at myself. I want to start a new life. And really, NP is my first chance to start anew. NP is the place where even old schoolmates don’t even get the chance to see you so often, so it is really a new break. I want to get it right. But my past is haunting me so much. I want to cry honestly. Like d*** it, why can’t I tell people my past? Why can’t I face it upright? Why can’t I feel freed from my prison? Maybe the phobia of telling my friends my past would be too much to prevent me from getting a clean break? But my past had happier times too. When I could play badminton.. when I could run so much.. when I could play volleyball with my friends in PE. … It is so fustrating. How to forgive and forget others for the things they have done when it caused so much hurt when you can’t even forgive yourself for the crap you put yourself through? Yes the past is gone. But its soul lingers. The new has come, but it has been compromised and damaged by the past. Tears are flowing again. This must be the few times I really think deep enough to cry. I really want to run a full marathon. Why do I have a slipped disc? No my life isn’t constrained to walking and swimming. I want to run til my back breaks. Til I am paralysed so badly I will hate myself but still love myself. I want to learn archery again. I don’t care if the freaking bow is heavy. I want to play badminton so badly. I rather be in pain after a badminton match  than never play.. I have been thinking for a long while.. I will run til I can’t. I will walk til I can’t. I will train my arm muscles to push my wheelchair til I can’t participate in those races. I will do anything, just to get my sense of freedom back. I want to do so much. Why, out of all my friends, am I so physically limited? I am only 17 for goodness sake!!!! Honestly, it is so tiring to keep asking pointless questions why I can’t do as much physically as my peers. Does anyone know what it is like to just be in a limited skeleton at 17 years old?