my story.

It’s probably fairly inappropriate to be writing a blog entry during lecture. Hypernyms and hyponyms just aren’t holding my attention, I guess. Something else is on my mind. I’m writing this on my blog because it was actually a certain blog that changed my own life. Growing up, I had a relatively tough childhood. I had a lot of lousy stuff happen to me during the first 20 years of my life, which I won’t get into here. Basically, it was enough for me to refuse to even consider the possibility that God could exist. I was under the belief that I was the only person who knew what I’ve been through, and therefore I was the only one who could understand and help myself. That since I was a relatively well-adjusted young adult despite everything I had lived with, that meant that I was tough and that I could handle things on my own. Oh man, I realize how ignorant and arrogant I was now. It took a series of really crazy, seemingly random (although I realize now that they’re not), awesome events for me to get to the place I am, and that put me on the path of where I’m going.) Basically (wow, this is geeky), just over a year ago, I started going to CHQ (an arcade at Metrotown) to play DDR and other related games. This lead to me falling into a group of people who were there for the same purpose. (I’m so blessed to have this circle of friends now, but that’s another story for another blog entry.) These people all happened to post on the same online forum, so I, being the sheep that I am, went and joined that forum too. A few people who I had not met yet at that point yet also posted on that forum… Johnson being one of those people. I’m not only a sheep, I’m a creepy sheep who reads the blogs of people I don’t know. Johnson’s blog was linked from his forum profile, so I checked it out. Reading the blog of a Christian was… really interesting for me, I’m not even sure why. It really sparked my interest. … okay, I started this blog on the 16th. I’m coming back to it on the 25th. Let’s see if I can find my train of thought again. Yeah, Johnson’s blog is what kind of got me curious. It was interesting hearing about how he viewed life as a Christian, and reading about his experiences with things like Campus for Christ. I pretty much just left it at that though. Fast forward a few months… I was writing a final paper for one of my classes. I was really panicking, since I was really hoping to go to SFU… Kwantlen really had nothing to offer to me anymore. But… my GPA was really borderline. My first semester at SFU coincided with a lot of lousy family stuff, so I did pretty horribly and it has been killing my GPA ever since. So, I really couldn’t afford a bad grade in another course… and this one paper was really threatening my GPA. Of course, there I was, pulling an all nighter to get it done. Typical Jessica. I was so desperate. I wanted to get out of Kwantlen so badly. What could I do? I prayed. It felt kind of silly to me, but I prayed. I asked for a sign. I asked God that if he really existed, to help me into getting into Simon Fraser. I said that if he helped me now, I would look more into getting to know Him, that I would look more into church and C4C. I was basically trying to make a deal with Him. Literally hours later, I was in another class. A complete zombie from pulling the all nighter. You know the feeling where you’re so tired, you can’t even feel your body anymore? Anyway, yeah. After the class, my prof asked to speak to me. He basically told me that he never told students this, but that I’d be getting an A in his class… but I had to step up my game! I was capable of better work. That A guaranteed that my GPA would be good enough to get into SFU. Hours after my prayer, God gave me an answer. For the first time in my life, I considered the possiblity that there might actually be a God. In the months following, I looked up things online like the Alpha program… but I was too scared to go to church on my own. I don’t know what I was scared of… scared of the unknown I suppose. But Johnson came to my aid again. By this time I had finally met him and got to know him a bit. For Easter, his church was having a “musical presentation” or something of that sort, and he invited the CHQ gang to come. We actually all went… I think there was 12 of us? Half of us being non-Christian. It was pretty thought-provoking, and peaked my interest again. (This is also when I met Alana.) Another month, and Johnson posted a note on his Facebook saying something about the discovery class he was taking at Willingdon (his church). It was something that I had considered taking after browsing around Willingdon’s website. So I asked him what he thought about it, since I had considered taking that or the Alpha course. I remember my mouse floating above the post button after I had written up my comment… I don’t know why I was so shy about these things. But then I posted it, and a few weeks after, I ran into him at CHQ. I think I was there during my work break, and he was there with Alana and Paulman. Alana and Paulman were playing ITG, and Johnson asked if I would like to come to Willingdon with them. I agreed, and I went to my first service on 18 May. The first months, I didn’t really feel anything. I liked singing the songs, I liked listening to the sermons… but I didn’t feel anything. Then… I had some friend issues. Haha. Life felt pretty rough. I remember going into the service feeling horrible. Then they showed a video clip. I can’t remember exactly what it was… something like, why are you here? Are you here hoping that they’ll sing your favourite song? and listed a bunch of superficial things… then it said that He is here, and to bring your problems to Him. “Bring it.” I’m the type of person who buries their problems. I don’t like facing stuff, I just avoid it. So all my life, I’ve been packing all of my pain into this little ball inside me. But after it said that, I brought that ball of pain to God and prayed, “God, I need help, I can’t carry on by myself anymore.” And that was the first time I felt His presence taking my pain and comforting me. I felt so raw and so moved… and I just started crying. Crying and crying. They played Mighty to Save… and the words, “Take me as you find me, all my fears and failures… fill my life again…” … they made me cry even more. (This song has actually continued being present during a lot of the big growing moments in my life, it holds a special place in my heart.) I cried for probably the whole service. Oh wow, this is getting long, sorry guys. Anyway, despite this, I still wasn’t ready to give my life to him. I don’t know what it was… I think the big thing keeping me back was the fact that I didn’t really understand what exactly it was that Jesus did for us, and how doing that would help our relationship with God. I went to SFU. Joined C4C. I went to Summit, without really knowing anywhere there. That was an amazing experience… I remember the morning before going, I was like, “Okay, this is too scary, I don’t know anyone, how can I get out of it?” Haha. But I went, and I grew closer to God and I began some pretty awesome friendships which I hope will continue and grow in the time to come. Then the weeks went on… I had conversations with various people about my questions… Alana, Johnson, Way, Tony, Nigel. Maybe I shouldn’t list names because I’m pretty sure I’m forgetting someone. But anyway, their conversations helped me get closer to being able to receive Jesus. Then one day, after my CMNS midterm, I walked into James Douglas with Jordan, then said goodbye to him since he was going home. I heard someone calling my name; it was Amy Chow. I went to sit with her, we chit-chatted for a while, then the conversation turned to my walk so far. I explained that I didn’t really understand the Gospel… so she got into a conversation about it for about an hour. And in that hour, everything seemed to come together for me. It’s like I’ve been trying to look into a pond for all this time… but stones kept being tossed in and I couldn’t see clearly. Well, finally, the ripples had ceased and I could see the picture clearly. Amy asked me if I needed more time, but I felt I was ready. She prayed with me to receive Jesus as my Saviour on 14 October. Maybe my life hasn’t DRASTICALLY changed since then, but I can feel a shift in my life. And yeah, it really is like normal old TV vs HDTV… haha. Maybe I’ll be able to put it into words one day. For now, I think that this blog is already way too long, and I doubt that anyone has made it to the end. Over 1600 words… ouch. Maybe I should’ve split this up into a series… oh well, what’s done is done. This is actually my story in a very condensed nutshell… I hope you enjoyed reading it.