of my own.

no one is the same as the other. i agree. just now something happened. it pains me to describe what happened. and i ended up confessing to mum that i think too much. like in german class last saturday, my classmate asked me why im so stressed. i don’t know. they laughed at me even more when i told them i planned my whole life already. i know what i want to do in my future. i know what i want to do when i retire. i know my lifelong goals already. i know i want to run a full marathon by 18 years old, but obviously that has to be put aside for a while. i know i want to have my own library. i know i want to afford a house big enough to house my library and my reading corner, that is quiet and serene. i know i want to join a real book club. i know i want to read stories to small kids when i retire. i know i want to have my garden. i want to be happy. and when i told mum i even planned how my funeral will be like, she didnt even bat an eyelid. its like my parents know it is like to be living partially in and out of cliques. its like they know how it is like to have friends yet no one is really like you. honestly. mum didnt seemed shocked when i told her that. she doesnt know what i actually planned. like when i die, i want to have a white or black coffin. then i want to have red, orange and yellow flowers arrange nicely on my coffin. like red roses, pink will do, orange gerberas are perfect, and most importantly sunflowers. they must be big sunflowers. my chinese name means sunshine. it would be nice to add in flowers representing the rest of the rainbow but that would be too troublesome. like if possible, the roses will be at the perimeter, while the orange gerberas will be on top. like you know the coffin as an arc right? yah there is where the orange gerberas will be. then the top will be the sunflowers. then at my wake and funeral, i want people to sing the most simple hymm. “Jesus loves me” it is the simplest song in children church, but it gives me the greatest comfort. i want everyone to sing all four stanzas of it. then no one in my funeral should wear black. i hate dark colours. but if they insist in wearing black, then it must have bright colours on it, as colourful as possible. i dont care about tradition. they should rejoice that im finally in heaven. right? wow. i cant imagine i just blurted my deepest and most secretive plans for my future. i know my friends will be like what the? maybe my cousins will tell my aunts, the words will pass on. but i dont give a crap about it. let it pass. at least it will save thought when i have to write a will. plus it is my brain. i am unique. mum says i shouldnt be in self-pity. true. in fact, im proud of myself cause i know what i want for my life, as long as it is fine with the Lord. i dont think God will mind if I do some planning now right?