post-summer update.

Hm… I didn’t write at all during the summer. I think it was one of the best summers I’ve had. I did have some rough patches, but I believe I grew a bit. Or, at least positioned myself to be able to grow this school year. I feel like being at a place like SFU is really helping me. It’s giving me opportunities that Kwantlen never could. I don’t know how to describe it… I’m just really thankful that I’m going to this school now. I’m happier in these past weeks than I ever was at Kwantlen. I quit my job at the beginning of September since school and work was just too much. Hopefully it will be okay. I can return to work if I need to. But for the time being, I want to concentrate on school. At this moment, I am unhappy, yet happy. I think I am happy because at the first time in my life, I feel like I’m in a place where I know what I want. This is a huge thing. All my life, I have just been floating along, taking everything as it comes, basically just… being alive. Not necessarily LIVING. I want to grow in my faith. I want to get to know God, and build a relationship. I want to be able to accept Christ. I’m not there yet… but I think that this year, between C4C and bible study and church and whatever else, I will be given the opportunity to grow. (How many times in this blog will I say “grow”? Keep reading and we’ll see!) Maybe I’m using “grow” so much because my life has always felt so… stunted. I’ve always felt underdeveloped in a way. Underdeveloped in my education (since I’ve basically just been messing around, not focusing on anything in particular), underdeveloped in my faith (to the point where I didn’t actually have any), underdeveloped in my relationships with everyone, underdeveloped in knowing and respecting and taking care of myself. Life lately has felt like crossing a river. Trying to keep my head above water… sometimes I can breathe, sometimes I feel like I’m drowning. Feeling swept away by the current, trying to grab at anything that floats by to pull myself above the water. I don’t like how I’m failing lately. I’m not doing as well in school as I could be, I’m not taking care of myself as well as I should, I’m not being as good of a friend as my friends deserve from me, I’m not growing in my faith at the rate I’d like to. I need to try harder at life. I’m wasting it. I’m going to Summit this weekend. While I’m a bit concerned about the amount of schoolwork I’m going to have to juggle in the next week to accommodate this, I’m really excited about it. I hope it will be a good weekend.