why are you here?

i hate it when my mum saw me cry. she was so helpless, and i was so trapped. so limited. paralysed. why cant you get out of my life? why did you give me h**l? why cant i live a normal life? i cant run on the roads anymore thanks to you. why do you even exist? why am i in tears? why cant i get over you? did i do anything to deserve you? im not blaming God or my family, im blaming you. i want to play sports. i want to run so badly. and if i do run on the roads, you paralyse me in pain again. why? i freaking h**l hate you. i only want my freedom back. go away. please, i beg you. you are taking too much. you are making me dwell in my depression. i see myself falling off. im already so weak in faith already. dont take away my last portion of faith. cause its not God fault. its your stupid fault. let me run on the roads again. because of you, i cant run a full marathon anymore. its your fault, that i only ran a 10km run in Stand. Chart. why do i lie to myself. telling myself life is great. that i forgot that it would be greater without you. because of you, im scared to be adventurous. you destroyed my dreams. it was only 1 dream, why did you take my strength away? i wish i was at the lands of the rainbows. where there is no pain, no tears. i might be weak physically, i might be in self-denial, i might be depressed, i might be hiding from the truth, i might be mentally exhausted, but you will never take away my final dream of running a marathon in heaven. im sure God will be my biggest supporter, when im there. my life will end when God says so, and you will end when i end too, but my faith, no matter how shaken, will not end. and i will make sure you dont come to heaven with me. cause by then, you took my freedom for a life time.